Sex?!
by Rebecca Rivero
I think I want to have sex for all the wrong reasons, or at least for some of the wrong reasons. I want to experience something that feels really good. I think I could do that without risking pregnancy, STDs, and emotional turmoil. I am looking for an outlet. An outlet for what? Sex is not a solution to anything. I know this logically, but part of me still has hope that this unknown experience will change me in some way or make me feel a certain way that I want to feel, but I just don’t know it yet. I don’t think sex will really change me. Having it for the first time might take the pressure off having it for the second time. That would be nice.
Who is this guy that I give so much power to? I haven’t even met him yet and I already give him the power to dramatically influence my life. I already give him the power to affect the way that I see myself. I will judge myself before, during and after. I judge myself now. What will I think?
What if it is bad? Not what if the sex is bad, but what if the experience is bad? What if I don’t get what I want out of it? What if I do it and it doesn’t help this discontentment and this anxiety I feel all the time. I think if anything sex would make me more anxious and even more discontent. He, whoever he is, might not love me. He might say he does, but he might not. What will I do if he has sex with me one time and then never talks to me again? Should I risk pregnancy? What if I get pregnant? Would I have an abortion? I could never give the baby up for adoption. Not my baby. All the genes that went into that baby came from my family, all those people came together to make that baby. No, I would keep my baby.
I don’t want to have a baby right now. My mom would love the baby.
Why would I do the act of making a baby and cross my fingers hoping I won’t make a baby?
What are the benefits of having sex?
I’m seeing mostly risks.
I assume it will be different once there is a “He” in the picture; when I want to have sex with a specific person and not just sex in general.
Maybe my first time won’t be with a he, maybe it will be with a she. That adds a whole new side to this conversation. Am I gay? Well, no I don’t think so. But I think about having sex with women. Of course, I am sexually attracted to women. I am sexually attracted to people’s personalities. Physically attracted to emotions. Interesting.
Still STDs. Still regret. Still the what happens after.
What If I’m not any good? What if I am not good enough?
I only know how to exist when I am wanted. I just want people to like me. I think I want to have sex because it will make me feel wanted in that moment, but what about after? When they leave my bed or I leave there’s. If it even happens in a bed. How sad would I get if I stopped feeling wanted? Could I handle it? Who would be there to pick up the pieces? A lot of people would be there actually. That is not something to worry about.
I have been asked to have sex. I said no. I’m not sure who was joking and who was serious. I have never said no to anything in the heat of a moment, but no one has ever tried to have sex with me. I do not know what I would do. I think I would probably do it.
What are the benefits and risks of just going for it? What are the benefits and risks of waiting, calculating, planning?
I also wait, to a certain degree because I want to present the best version of myself to his person. Trimmed, plucked, waxes, shaved, exfoliated, moisturized, and yes toned. I also want to be confident. Who is this woman that I think I will be that will be worthy of sex? Why isn’t the me right now in this moment a fantastic version of myself. Maybe I am done, maybe this is as good as I will ever be.
You are thinking “you are perfect and you don’t need to change a thing”. I agree, but I also think I could always be better. What would be “better” and what makes it “better”? Who decided what was better?
I feel like a hypocrite. I talk about Middle Women and how nothing is better than anything else. I truly believe that. With other people. Not with me. I could be better. I think the worst is not knowing what I am even comparing myself to. There is no solid standard, there is no golden measuring tape.
I want to be worthy of my partner, but why am I not more worried if they are worthy of me? Because I feel that NO one wants me and that I just want everyone.
Where is this partner who is so amazing? I say that I could do a casual hook up, but that isn’t true. It would crush me.
I don’t want to be crushed. I don’t want to be worried all the time. I want to be with someone who doesn’t let me guess whether or not they want me. Too much to ask for? How long am I going to wait.
A month? A year? Two years? Five? Ten?
I am lonely. I don’t think sex will make me feel less lonely.
I want so much.
I think about settling and then I get sick and dizzy.
So, I wait.
I do not like that I have invested so much energy into a person who I haven’t even met yet. There is so much of myself balancing on the possibility of this person.
Are they thinking about me too?
Too much pressure for me and for them.
I don’t think that this first person will also be my last, but I know that they have to be significant.
How much does sex really mean to me?
Why would I have sex with a woman? It seems less scary, less of a risk, less of the unknown. I think sex should have something to do with love. Could I love a woman? I love women, but a woman? I don’t know. I have never been in love with a man either, so the emotion is unfamiliar regardless of sex or gender.
Less risk? Risk of what? Pregnancy. Well yes, there is that. STDs. I’m probably not worried enough about STDs.
Would I feel safer with a woman? Would I care as much of what she thought of me or what it would be like after? Maybe not.
Why do I care so much what men think of me? Now there is the question.
What will a man think of me if I have sex with him? If I do not? What do men think of me being a virgin? Most respond with shock and question it. Why do I care? Why do I care at all?
Because I do. I want to be wanted. Desire. In your thoughts. But if you desire me and you try and do anything about it I get scared or I get turned off. It is easier to be interested in people who you know will never work out. Less risk.
I want to take a risk.
________________________________________
20 days after I wrote this stream of consciousness - a thought process that was constantly looping through my mind and had been for years - I decided to stop perusing a romantic partner and focus on myself and my friends. The very next day I met the man that I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
Just over two weeks later when he asked me to be his girlfriend a lot of the questions I had been walking around with started being answered. When we decided to have sex for the first time, it was a beautiful and loving experience. I realized that what I had been waiting for was commitment. I needed an emotional connection before a physical one.
Who is this guy that I give so much power to? I haven’t even met him yet and I already give him the power to dramatically influence my life. I already give him the power to affect the way that I see myself. I will judge myself before, during and after. I judge myself now. What will I think?
What if it is bad? Not what if the sex is bad, but what if the experience is bad? What if I don’t get what I want out of it? What if I do it and it doesn’t help this discontentment and this anxiety I feel all the time. I think if anything sex would make me more anxious and even more discontent. He, whoever he is, might not love me. He might say he does, but he might not. What will I do if he has sex with me one time and then never talks to me again? Should I risk pregnancy? What if I get pregnant? Would I have an abortion? I could never give the baby up for adoption. Not my baby. All the genes that went into that baby came from my family, all those people came together to make that baby. No, I would keep my baby.
I don’t want to have a baby right now. My mom would love the baby.
Why would I do the act of making a baby and cross my fingers hoping I won’t make a baby?
What are the benefits of having sex?
I’m seeing mostly risks.
I assume it will be different once there is a “He” in the picture; when I want to have sex with a specific person and not just sex in general.
Maybe my first time won’t be with a he, maybe it will be with a she. That adds a whole new side to this conversation. Am I gay? Well, no I don’t think so. But I think about having sex with women. Of course, I am sexually attracted to women. I am sexually attracted to people’s personalities. Physically attracted to emotions. Interesting.
Still STDs. Still regret. Still the what happens after.
What If I’m not any good? What if I am not good enough?
I only know how to exist when I am wanted. I just want people to like me. I think I want to have sex because it will make me feel wanted in that moment, but what about after? When they leave my bed or I leave there’s. If it even happens in a bed. How sad would I get if I stopped feeling wanted? Could I handle it? Who would be there to pick up the pieces? A lot of people would be there actually. That is not something to worry about.
I have been asked to have sex. I said no. I’m not sure who was joking and who was serious. I have never said no to anything in the heat of a moment, but no one has ever tried to have sex with me. I do not know what I would do. I think I would probably do it.
What are the benefits and risks of just going for it? What are the benefits and risks of waiting, calculating, planning?
I also wait, to a certain degree because I want to present the best version of myself to his person. Trimmed, plucked, waxes, shaved, exfoliated, moisturized, and yes toned. I also want to be confident. Who is this woman that I think I will be that will be worthy of sex? Why isn’t the me right now in this moment a fantastic version of myself. Maybe I am done, maybe this is as good as I will ever be.
You are thinking “you are perfect and you don’t need to change a thing”. I agree, but I also think I could always be better. What would be “better” and what makes it “better”? Who decided what was better?
I feel like a hypocrite. I talk about Middle Women and how nothing is better than anything else. I truly believe that. With other people. Not with me. I could be better. I think the worst is not knowing what I am even comparing myself to. There is no solid standard, there is no golden measuring tape.
I want to be worthy of my partner, but why am I not more worried if they are worthy of me? Because I feel that NO one wants me and that I just want everyone.
Where is this partner who is so amazing? I say that I could do a casual hook up, but that isn’t true. It would crush me.
I don’t want to be crushed. I don’t want to be worried all the time. I want to be with someone who doesn’t let me guess whether or not they want me. Too much to ask for? How long am I going to wait.
A month? A year? Two years? Five? Ten?
I am lonely. I don’t think sex will make me feel less lonely.
I want so much.
I think about settling and then I get sick and dizzy.
So, I wait.
I do not like that I have invested so much energy into a person who I haven’t even met yet. There is so much of myself balancing on the possibility of this person.
Are they thinking about me too?
Too much pressure for me and for them.
I don’t think that this first person will also be my last, but I know that they have to be significant.
How much does sex really mean to me?
Why would I have sex with a woman? It seems less scary, less of a risk, less of the unknown. I think sex should have something to do with love. Could I love a woman? I love women, but a woman? I don’t know. I have never been in love with a man either, so the emotion is unfamiliar regardless of sex or gender.
Less risk? Risk of what? Pregnancy. Well yes, there is that. STDs. I’m probably not worried enough about STDs.
Would I feel safer with a woman? Would I care as much of what she thought of me or what it would be like after? Maybe not.
Why do I care so much what men think of me? Now there is the question.
What will a man think of me if I have sex with him? If I do not? What do men think of me being a virgin? Most respond with shock and question it. Why do I care? Why do I care at all?
Because I do. I want to be wanted. Desire. In your thoughts. But if you desire me and you try and do anything about it I get scared or I get turned off. It is easier to be interested in people who you know will never work out. Less risk.
I want to take a risk.
________________________________________
20 days after I wrote this stream of consciousness - a thought process that was constantly looping through my mind and had been for years - I decided to stop perusing a romantic partner and focus on myself and my friends. The very next day I met the man that I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
Just over two weeks later when he asked me to be his girlfriend a lot of the questions I had been walking around with started being answered. When we decided to have sex for the first time, it was a beautiful and loving experience. I realized that what I had been waiting for was commitment. I needed an emotional connection before a physical one.
