Communication?
by Sarah Rothgeb
Ever notice that for a society who likes communicating, we really don't. I mean, constant talking doesn't necessarily mean that you're communicating. Everyone is just shouting their opinions into the void and rambling about something, anything, just to avoid silence. But isn't silence one of the key components of communication? If no one is silent, then no one is listening. And simply being silent is a way to communicate too. We're all running around talking so we can all be reassured that we're not lonely.
Alone, but never lonely.
You see I have a problem with that. I have a problem with that because sometimes I love being alone and I'm not lonely, but for me that means taking a hike by myself or just laying on the ground when no one is home and letting my mind wander just to see where it goes. In our world though you can be alone a lot and not be lonely, because you're alone on your computer "communicating" with everyone else. No one is really saying anything though are they? Maybe you don't participate, maybe you just like to sit and watch as it unfolds. I'm not going to say that facebook and twitter and whatever else are bad, I enjoy social media, but I do think it is inhibiting our ability to connect. I say this all this as a rule, in my mind, but I also know of some great exceptions of people meeting online and helping each other through hard times, Middle Women does it, there are a multitude of Trans Support sites, and other places that help people connect when they feel trapped, like they can't talk to anyone.
The internet, and our cell phones. It's all a trap. Go get dinner with your friends to hang out and relax and all of a sudden people have screens pressed to their faces. I'm guilty. I thought it was getting so bad with my friends that we made a "game". Get to dinner, stack your phones on the table, if someone checks there phone then they pay for the entire bill. Harsh. But we were desperate for communication. It's time everyone got a bit more real.
Sometimes I'm afraid of honest communication. I think that's a bit bizarre because I believe in radical honesty to the point that I won't lie to you if you ask me a question but it's not like I'm going to just shout, so everyone can hear that, some sort of honest criticism I have for you. But honest communication is hard, it involves fierce conversations, it involves bringing up things you'd rather let lie, and talking through them. It's terrifying. Most fierce conversations are with close friends and family, people you cannot stand to hurt, and you know them so well that you think you know how they'll respond to what you're about to say. There's an entire circus of "What If's" running through your mind because you care. You care so deeply. You care about the topic, you care about the person, you care about your relationship. That's good. Caring means it is time for this kind of conversation.
Don't hold back.
A fierce conversation is an honest one.
Work through the issues until everyone feels resolved.
You will cry. Get okay with that.
It all sounds silly but it works. Had I not had a fierce conversation with my best friend last year I would not be celebrating my one year anniversary with the best partner ever, who has truly changed my life, on the 20th.
Had I not had a fierce conversation with my mother this summer I would still be blaming myself for my feelings. For not being able to say "I forgive you" and "I understand that it was hard on everyone, not just me" for so many years. That guilt was mine and mine alone, she had no idea how awful I felt, because I loved her I could not let her see that I was still hurt from some life situations. But I got honest and we cried together and mended the last bit of each of our hearts, we needed each others honesty to do that.
I am not saying that it will be easy. I am saying that it will be the hardest thing you have ever done (every single time). But I am also saying it will be the best thing you have ever done. There is someone out there, someone so dear to you, that you need to have a fierce conversation with. Stop beating around the bush on social media and really communicate your feelings. They will help you be honest.
And I will be here, rooting you on.
Alone, but never lonely.
You see I have a problem with that. I have a problem with that because sometimes I love being alone and I'm not lonely, but for me that means taking a hike by myself or just laying on the ground when no one is home and letting my mind wander just to see where it goes. In our world though you can be alone a lot and not be lonely, because you're alone on your computer "communicating" with everyone else. No one is really saying anything though are they? Maybe you don't participate, maybe you just like to sit and watch as it unfolds. I'm not going to say that facebook and twitter and whatever else are bad, I enjoy social media, but I do think it is inhibiting our ability to connect. I say this all this as a rule, in my mind, but I also know of some great exceptions of people meeting online and helping each other through hard times, Middle Women does it, there are a multitude of Trans Support sites, and other places that help people connect when they feel trapped, like they can't talk to anyone.
The internet, and our cell phones. It's all a trap. Go get dinner with your friends to hang out and relax and all of a sudden people have screens pressed to their faces. I'm guilty. I thought it was getting so bad with my friends that we made a "game". Get to dinner, stack your phones on the table, if someone checks there phone then they pay for the entire bill. Harsh. But we were desperate for communication. It's time everyone got a bit more real.
Sometimes I'm afraid of honest communication. I think that's a bit bizarre because I believe in radical honesty to the point that I won't lie to you if you ask me a question but it's not like I'm going to just shout, so everyone can hear that, some sort of honest criticism I have for you. But honest communication is hard, it involves fierce conversations, it involves bringing up things you'd rather let lie, and talking through them. It's terrifying. Most fierce conversations are with close friends and family, people you cannot stand to hurt, and you know them so well that you think you know how they'll respond to what you're about to say. There's an entire circus of "What If's" running through your mind because you care. You care so deeply. You care about the topic, you care about the person, you care about your relationship. That's good. Caring means it is time for this kind of conversation.
Don't hold back.
A fierce conversation is an honest one.
Work through the issues until everyone feels resolved.
You will cry. Get okay with that.
It all sounds silly but it works. Had I not had a fierce conversation with my best friend last year I would not be celebrating my one year anniversary with the best partner ever, who has truly changed my life, on the 20th.
Had I not had a fierce conversation with my mother this summer I would still be blaming myself for my feelings. For not being able to say "I forgive you" and "I understand that it was hard on everyone, not just me" for so many years. That guilt was mine and mine alone, she had no idea how awful I felt, because I loved her I could not let her see that I was still hurt from some life situations. But I got honest and we cried together and mended the last bit of each of our hearts, we needed each others honesty to do that.
I am not saying that it will be easy. I am saying that it will be the hardest thing you have ever done (every single time). But I am also saying it will be the best thing you have ever done. There is someone out there, someone so dear to you, that you need to have a fierce conversation with. Stop beating around the bush on social media and really communicate your feelings. They will help you be honest.
And I will be here, rooting you on.
